I’m not sure who received worse news about his groin this week,Arian Foster or Lenny Kravitz. But while all Kravitz needs to do is buy a pair of pants that fit, the Houston Texans have a much tougher road ahead as they attempt to replace Foster. Reports say that Pierre Thomas turned down the Texans’ offer to join their backfield, and this leaves Houston with only a 14-year-old girl and a department-store mannequin to play running back this year. However, there can be help on the way if the Texans decide to bring in one of these possible replacements:
1. Ashton Kutcher – If he replaced Charlie Sheen, he can replace Arian Foster.
2. OJ Simpson – Pros: Outstanding slasher with a killer instinct. Cons: He’s a 68-year-old man who’s currently in prison.
3. Ronda Rousey – Who in their right mind would attempt to tackle Ronda Rousey? Sign her, Houston, or she’ll beat you up.
4. Jason Pierre-Paul’s index finger – This finger was an NFL star once, and it could be again if given an opportunity.
5. Rudy – Could there be a better story than RUDY leading the Texans to the Super Bowl? Yes, Rudy Ruettiger is a 66-year-old man who wasn’t very good at football when he played at Notre Dame in the 1970s, but nothing can stop this guy once he sets his mind to something.
6. Michael Strahan – Since joining “LIVE with Kelly and Michael,” this former NFL superstar has had people saying, “Regis who?”
7. Groot – He’d be the first sentient tree in the NFL. Make this happen, Texans.
8. Donald Trump – He swears he’ll make America great. Why not start with Houston?
9. Jim Thorpe – Pros: Thorpe is one of history’s greatest athletes and football players. Cons: He has been dead for over 60 years.
10. Batman – He’s not the hero Houston deserves, but the one it needs right now.
Diane Sevenay, a friend to The Scoop, is a writer and comedian who claims that she “invented the Internet.” Follow her immediately on Twitter at @diane_7a or face dire consequences.